Exteriors

I found this while I was doing research for my presidential themed newsletter and thought it was worth mentioning. I am a big fan of annexed territories.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/department-of-the-exterior-opens-us-national-park,2550/

Everybody Wants to Rule the World...

This is by no means a comprehensive list of people I would trust with certain things in the event that I was ever made leader of the free world.  Also, I'll be home in SC a little bit in June.

Nemeses

Two friends of mine are getting married (to each other), and this is how I choose to celebrate:

Just a dog chasing cars...

...I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one.  I put up my previous "newsletters" about a specialized version of "dating" that I practice out of somewhat of a lack of a complete confidence (among other things).  I don't always put together newsletters to encourage friends' girlfriends to break up with their boyfriend/fiancee...but when I do, I try to do so in a polite and informed manner!

Bulletin for November

Hi Friends!

This is my latest and probably last newsletter for a while!  Just as clarification for those new to the newsletter, the numbering of my newsletter provides that all issues are number 1 based on the quality of their contents, not their sequential order.  Also, due to personal laziness on my part.

For any who are wondering, my cat Isis is doing very well.  She is as temperamental and mangy as ever, the perfect complement to my own personality.

Much Love!

David Lee Coats

Bulletin for October

Deal all,

Enclosed is something called the Bird Dog Bulletin.  As explanation to those who do not know, the term "bird-dogging" of "bird-doggery" refers to the fine art of hitting on another's significant other.  Used in a (compound) sentence:  "You best bird-dog in while the bird-dogging is good, friend; that man has intentions of marrying Josephine."  That last sentence may or may not be a subtle Pacey on Dawson's Creek reference (Joshua Jackson is pretty much the patron saint of bird-doggery).

I used to direct this newsletter toward women in my branch who were currently dating someone as a means of:  1) Featuring a sweet lady I was laying the Mack-down on hardcore-like, 2) Expressing that I was better than their current boyfriend(s), 3) Subtly reminding women that their current boyfriend or fiance had key unnoticed flaws, and 4) Being generally braggy about my own accomplishments.

I have since retired from the fine art of hitting on other men's ladies, but I now offer my renewed and repurposed newsletter as a means of transferring skills and tips learned in my years of dating experience.  Also, there's still a lot of (well-earned) bragging.  For those on this list currently married or engaged, feel free to forward this to your friends or relatives who would have more use for my dating talents.

Much Love,

David Coats

PS Please don't mention to Josh Chavis that I used his muscular likeness.  He already has a number of "catchphrase infringement" lawsuits filed against me.  I would prefer not to add appearance infringement to the list as well.

Bulletin for June

Dear all,

This spectacular issue of the Bird Dog Bulletin is dedicated to a very special lady.  I think she knows who she is.  I hope she does because I really can't remember right now who I was thinking of.  She was probably just somebody that I used to know.

Respectfully,

David Coats

PS Joe, have you ever thought of taking Steph's last name?  Yours seems needlessly complex.

Bulletin for May

Hi All,

You may notice that both this month's installment and last month's installment of the Bird Dog Bulletin were enumerated as "Issue no. 1" and while you might accredit this to laziness on the part of the editor, in actuality the "no. 1" heretofore described refers to the quality of the contents and not their sequence.

In other news, I am really sad that I forgot to watch Masterpiece: Mystery!  Sunday night on PBS.  Feel free to console me with gifts and chocolates.

Passionate for Science,
David Coats

Bulletin April

Dearest Ladies,

I have been spreading my dating efforts too thin lately and felt sincerely distraught at not being able to afford you all the individual care and attention you deserve.  Thus, I have chosen to send you all a newsletter detailing my efforts, adventures, and availability for the upcoming month.  Use this information however you see fit.

Kindest Regards,

David Coats

Gentleman, Courtier, and Scholar

PS Mitch could you forward this message to Kristen?